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savvyliterateThe night before I flew out here to Salt Lake City, I rocked in my chair for awhile. And I prayed. I prayed hard. Usually, when I sit down and actually relax and meditate, the answers will come to me. It's one on one with me, my guardian angel and above all that, God. This trip out here to Salt Lake City would change my life. I knew that from the moment I booked the ticket.
And as I rocked and prayed, I knew something would happen that would make me a different person when I come back to Alabama. I honestly thought, along with everyone else, that it would be Brian. He's a very nice guy and I think we'll be great friends. We already are. But, I can't see anything else happening right now. Yeah, I know it's a distance factor, but a large part of it is a "me" factor. I look at him and see too much of both James and Lance. I see the good things and I see the bad things. I know it's something that I have to grow and work past. I can hardly believe it's been six months since I decided to break up with Lance. I need to do some maturing in the relationships department. I need to learn to trust people. I already do trust people, but not with my entire heart. That's what I learned with Lance. I may had loved him, but I kept a part of my heart hidden away from him. It's why I never achieved a certain level of intimacy with him and why it took me so long to do something such as even kiss him.
This past month has been very, very rough. I've watched as one of my best friends nearly loses her father to a heart attack. It broke my heart to walk in her house and see him on oxygen. I learned that my job wasn't what I thought it was and the people I admired were not who I thought they were either.
So, I turned to my family, my friends for the answers. "Yes, you need a new job," they say. "No, you don't need to leave Alabama/the South." I even went to my bosses at work. "No, we don't want you to leave...but we want everything from you in return."
"You're sick, you need to see a doctor."
"You either work the same schedule you have now or you're down to 35 hours a week."
"You don't need to leave the state."
I arrived in Salt Lake City on Saturday. I got off the plane and proceeded to gawk. This area is so beautiful. As I drank in the sights over the next 24 hours, a feeling nagged in my mind. I opted out of a side trip to Idaho, fearing I would be more tired than I already was and other reasons. So, I proceeded to rent a car. As I followed Ely and her brother back through the mountains, I looked out to my right and saw the sprawling skyline of Salt Lake City and the mountains surrounding me on all sides.
When I first stepped foot on the University of Alabama campus in 1998, I felt like I had come home. I knew this was where I belonged. A year and a half earlier, on a trip to North Carolina, I was out walking when I realized that I was meant to leave home for college. That led me to UA.
So, when I looked out over that skyline of Salt Lake City, I remembered going to Tuscaloosa for the first time. Inside the car, alone on the mountain with just myself and God, I felt the same feeling of peace and a sense of belonging that I felt driving onto the University of Alabama campus four and a half years ago.
I smiled. I had found my answer.
And as I rocked and prayed, I knew something would happen that would make me a different person when I come back to Alabama. I honestly thought, along with everyone else, that it would be Brian. He's a very nice guy and I think we'll be great friends. We already are. But, I can't see anything else happening right now. Yeah, I know it's a distance factor, but a large part of it is a "me" factor. I look at him and see too much of both James and Lance. I see the good things and I see the bad things. I know it's something that I have to grow and work past. I can hardly believe it's been six months since I decided to break up with Lance. I need to do some maturing in the relationships department. I need to learn to trust people. I already do trust people, but not with my entire heart. That's what I learned with Lance. I may had loved him, but I kept a part of my heart hidden away from him. It's why I never achieved a certain level of intimacy with him and why it took me so long to do something such as even kiss him.
This past month has been very, very rough. I've watched as one of my best friends nearly loses her father to a heart attack. It broke my heart to walk in her house and see him on oxygen. I learned that my job wasn't what I thought it was and the people I admired were not who I thought they were either.
So, I turned to my family, my friends for the answers. "Yes, you need a new job," they say. "No, you don't need to leave Alabama/the South." I even went to my bosses at work. "No, we don't want you to leave...but we want everything from you in return."
"You're sick, you need to see a doctor."
"You either work the same schedule you have now or you're down to 35 hours a week."
"You don't need to leave the state."
I arrived in Salt Lake City on Saturday. I got off the plane and proceeded to gawk. This area is so beautiful. As I drank in the sights over the next 24 hours, a feeling nagged in my mind. I opted out of a side trip to Idaho, fearing I would be more tired than I already was and other reasons. So, I proceeded to rent a car. As I followed Ely and her brother back through the mountains, I looked out to my right and saw the sprawling skyline of Salt Lake City and the mountains surrounding me on all sides.
When I first stepped foot on the University of Alabama campus in 1998, I felt like I had come home. I knew this was where I belonged. A year and a half earlier, on a trip to North Carolina, I was out walking when I realized that I was meant to leave home for college. That led me to UA.
So, when I looked out over that skyline of Salt Lake City, I remembered going to Tuscaloosa for the first time. Inside the car, alone on the mountain with just myself and God, I felt the same feeling of peace and a sense of belonging that I felt driving onto the University of Alabama campus four and a half years ago.
I smiled. I had found my answer.
