Musings on friendships

I tend to keep what's closest in my heart hidden away, unless I'm talking to someone face to face or through IMs or on the phone. One of the chief reasons why is what happened to michaelhinman. I just...don't want people to use that type of knowledge against me or to have it hang over my head. So, sometimes, it's best not to say anything at all.

I'm one of those people who no matter how bad a day sucked, I will tend to answer that I had a good day. This is especially true if I speak with someone online. I feel the need to remain upbeat and be strong for folks. Besides, the more I project that I'm upbeat, the more I am actually so. It keeps me from being depressed at times.

Often, though, I can't find the words to convey what's really going on in my heart. It's why I haven't been able to talk to Celeste lately. No matter how good I have things, or how positive they're appearing to be...I wish I had Celeste or caligogreywings or kitesareevil here to talk to. There's others I've gotten to be friends with as well, such as alf_b and cowgirled, along with baine and others, whom I think I can really be comfortable with in person.

And then there's people like ely_chan, and I sense that our friendship is growing more distant by the day. And, God, that scares me. I used to tell her everything. Now, I realize I tell her nothing at all. I really miss that.

Right now, I'm confused. I'm starting to sort through all of it, and I know that in the end, I'll be okay. I know that, like Rin in my icon, I'm truly not alone.